I was recently asked if I would do my duty and get rip roaring pissed this Sunday, as a goodly portion of my ancestors were good Irish immigrants (and just Irish prior to that, of course). They were a bit shocked by my “no”, so let me lay out, in writing, why I am not too keen on St. Patrick’s Day.
Firstly, this is (at the root) a Catholic holiday. St. Patrick is credited with bringing Catholic beliefs to those filthy Druids in Ireland. I am happily a filthy Pagan and just not keen on celebrating the dude who chased the Druids away from their homes.
Secondly, drunks are stupid. People will start drinking in celebration Friday after work and just keep going on through Sunday. You won’t be able to trod a street in all of Kansas City and it’s suburbs without seeing someone’s liver begging for a new home. Or just piles of sick. You will be bumped into, have your space violated, be breathed upon by such fetid breath you will SWEAR you see Cthulu peeking out of their esophagus, AND that is before you even REACH a bar your own self.
Listen, I already tend to lean heavily into the “dislike all humans” category of lifestyle. Forced fraternization with the unwashed masses is just not my thing. If it is yours, I do not judge! Go off and hang out at all the parades you wish!
If it is your wish to put away so many pints you go blind, I do judge you a little*. No one needs that much beer, Jagermeister, WHATEVER to enjoy themselves. Also, shot girls, cage dancers, and the other assorted booze wenches that the brands put out bring out my stompy feminazi side. Even if it was not straight up using tits to sell what is, essentially, poison in wee glasses–they just look so COLD in those outfits! Like, I want to give them a sweater and a wet nap to wipe off all sweaty hand prints from the guys who think that those girls really DO like them and have that connection they swear they were having.
*Unless you are a first year college student. I think it is in the rules that first years need to get some good, old fashioned, alcohol poisoning in during the easy courses before the real hard work of college begins.
So, yeah. No corned beef and cabbage. No green beer. No nothing of that sort at Tanuki Towers West (a subsidiary of Tanuki Towers, Raccoon Crotch, NY). I will celebrate my Irish ancestors (and Scottish and British) with a place setting on my table and a shot on the doorstep twice a year (Obon on 8/15 and Halloween on 10/31) and cooking colcannon and toad in the hole and other such delights randomly through out the year.
If you DO decide to get thoroughly pissed this Sunday or ANY day of the year, please lasso yourself a driver. Or stick cab fare in your bra (or other such holding device that will keep it separate from spending money). Do not drink and drive. At the very least you end up fucking up your vehicle somehow (been there, done that!) and at the worst you could be in jail with a murder on your soul.
Hugs, and for fuck’s sake be safe.