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Thinspo, not so Much

I am 30 years old.  I have probably been on a diet for 2/3 of that time frame.  I never achieved amazing progress; no one ever wanted to book me a before and after shoot and I think I am cool with that.  Now, anyway.

I did go through a phase during a recent OCD flare-up where I was obsessing over food (free floating anxiety and control issues FTW!!!).  During that phase I was tracking food, tracking calories in and out, experimenting with laxatives, and just doing my damnedest to give myself another mental health problem because the two I have were not interesting enough, I guess.  During that phase I bookmarked a metric fuckton of “thinspo” blogs and tumblrs and whatnot that I would stare at during lunch instead of eating.  I even printed out a thing for my computer monitor that praised the feeling of emptiness over eating because that was the feeling of success.

Sacco and my boss at work quickly figured that SOMETHING was up after a few months and demanded a cease and desist.  The boss did a key word ban on our internet for terms like “thinspo”, “ana”, “mia”, and half a dozen others.  Sacco made me call my mother across the country when I explained to him how inspired I was by these teenage girls (mostly) who had so much more will power then I ever would.  She yelled at me the way only a mother can, and when I used the same line of logic on my head doctor he gave me a look I wish I could GIF and suggested some thought process changes.  He gave me some mental exercises that I still sort of struggle with.

So now we are all caught up on the background of why I have a bazillon of this blogs bookmarked in my browser under a file that says “Lunch”.  I was curious if I would see the same things in them that I did then.

The pictures are 90% of the content.  The other 10% utilize numbers and abbreviations that I had to google to figure out.  The pictures are generally still gorgeous.  They mostly seem to come from magazine ads and such and are a very good representation of what the general populace would like to look like.  What really got to me were the quotes.

Now, if you have ever been any where near a website, office wall, anywhere really; you have seen a motivational poster with a twee little quote.   Usually it is some saccharine bullspit about team work or ethics.  Kitty on a tree limb, “Hang in there!” sort of deal.  You have those same things on the blogs I had found, but they seem a little more…bitchy?

“Stop saying you can’t.  You can.  You just choose not to.”  Sort of condescending I find.  A little judgy for my inspirational tastes.  There are countless other examples, but they make me sad to type now.

I am not even going to talk about all the blogs that feature post after post of “if I only lost 20 more pounds so and so would love me and never leave me.”  That speaks to a depth of desperation I don’t care to visit over my lunch any longer.

I still don’t know what in my brain makes self destructive little diversions so interesting and all consuming, but I am happy I visited them and did not feel the same little buzz.

The saddest bit is my total weight loss while doing every activity listed in the first few paragraphs was -2.  Head 0, Body 1…again.  Good thing IT is good at resisting my brain.  Now to get it to all work together!

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