Bat Fit Challenge #7! Woot! Except not. This one was a tough one.
This challenge is all about facing your fears. Choose a fear, face it, deal with it.
“I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing……Only I will remain.”
Sorry, I read Dune at an early age and got into the habit of repeating the Litany. Also, every time I take liquid medicine, I always think of the Mentat Litany. Nerd.
ANYWAY, my fear I choose for this was the fear of me slowly killing my self with delicious food and sitting about. Mmmm…food. I love food. I love eating it. I love the feeling of chewing. It is a distraction and a dangerous sort of delight. Then you are full. So full you cannot imagine moving, so you lie there digesting and hating yourself and imagining yourself like Jabba the Hut; except my couch does not move about. THAT would be cool to have though.
I went to my GP and had the talk. Let me preface this as I prefaced this with her: I started this journey a long time before Bat Fit existed. I started this long process of fighting with myself years ago. I weighed 270 pounds and, at 5’6, that does NOT look good. It does not feel good either. I got very angry about it and just started running. I started eating way less than I should have. I made poor decisions, but lost 70 pounds with those poor decisions until my body rebelled and went into starvation mode. I have spent five years yoyoing between the 200 and 220 because I have not been able to figure out WHY what worked before is not working now.
I have answers now. A balanced diet that occasionally goes over your caloric “limit” is preferable to one that is stupidly low. Exercise within your target heart zones is better than pushing your body to breaking. My GP has given the green flag to the calorie calculation I have in My Fitness Pal (THE best free site for tracking; just like Weight Watchers really and easier to read and understand.) and has given me a heart rate range to stay in for exercise that will not make me feel like dying. Exercise that won’t make every breath painful and my muscles almost impossible to use for days after.
My fear has been shown as not applicable at this point, but a fear that may have been valid in the future. The best part about facing this one is now I have tools and support to make sure it is not a fear that will continue to plague me. A fear that is merely a sort of warning light any more, and not so close and terrible.
My darling Sacco even went further with this fear and bought me a heart rate monitor. He gets a million great partner points for his support and his gift.
I do have one thing to say about the monitor though. It is part of the Timex Ironman line and while the watch is amazing, the chest band is made with either a dude in mind or a flat chick. It smooshes my boobs something fierce. It is not TERRIBLY uncomfortable, but it gives me the four boob look. I am glad I exercise at home; I am already worried enough being in public sweating without people wondering “what is going on with that chick’s tits?”.
~M (who swears she really only has two tits, no matter WHAT it looks like for a 45 minute period on a daily basis)~