Wellness

Bright Bits in the Dark (WARNING, very long!)

Well hello there!  It has been a minute hasn’t it?  I pushed myself a bit too hard and too far and wound up right back in that rabbit hole.  You know the one?   The one that is not quite a warren because it is so old that by now all the other bits have caved in?  So now it is just a dark and black hole.  You imagine it cozy even though it is cold because your breath puffs from your mouth and warms your face and knees curled to your chest.  It is safe, with dirt to your back and the entrance guarded by your eyes.

It really is not cozy.  It really is not safe.  It is just a hole.  One who used to connect to others that have fallen in.  This means this one could fall in.  Sure you face the exit for hours a day, but what of those sleeping hours?  When you are so very alone with no one to guard you?

Enough with the metaphors and silly questions.

I took a trip to see my family (1200 miles or one World of Warcraft log in away) and planned all this stuff to do.  I should not have planned things.  My personal demons are such that when plans are cemented in my mind, if they do not go the way I see it, then everything is horrible.  I am a failure.

This is silly.  Stuff did not go perfect, but I think (NOW I think) that it went well.  It was a special thing, those plans, and no one else saw my brain.  Only I saw it going wrong because I built it in my head down to the script.

THEN Sacco and I got home and started to buy a house.  We are in the middle of the loan process and THAT is nerve wracking as hell.  The way I see it, we HAVE to have a home.  We are expecting a new little girl (of the fuzz bottomed kind) in May and that means either tangled leads or a lovely little yard.  I want a yard so they can play; BUT the process is sending me deep into “no one will ever approve us for a home and we will be on the streets eating my exquisite shoes!”.  Also silly.

I was deep in these silly fears and thoughts when something rather unexpected and lovely happened.  I received this:

That lovely Sal!!!  She blogs over at Still Dark @ Heart and Chaotic Homemaking (where you need to be literate in German or have translation software) and she chose me!  THAT my dears, is a hell of a bright bit for this dark heart herself!  I am pleased as punch.

This award comes with rules, nominate 15 other bloggers and then tell you 7 facts about myself!  Like Sal (really, go check out her stuff!) my list is exceedingly eclectic.  I read a HUGE amount of differing blogs; I hope you find some that you enjoy!  BUT, first here are 7 things I normally don’t disclose unless you ask.

  • I am deeply in love with anything TACKY!  Ranging from some drag queens to gaudy jewelry to anything in between.  Hello Kitty to leopard print.  Tacky dives, tacky subjects, tacky bars, anything.
  • My dogs sleep on my bed, lick my face, AND I share my cough drops with them.  They love them some menthol.  The looks of HORROR I get after I let them lick and then I suck on it give me a tiny thrill of glee.  Yes, they lick their bums.  I suck dick.  Kind of close when you think about it.  I choose to not worry.
  • I am exceedingly frank and unashamed when it comes to sex.  I feel I need to balance out the ENTIRE Midwest.  Sometimes I say something REALLY trashy just to skeeve people out.  It is not nice, I know.
  • I have felt TRULY betrayed twice in my life.  Only one was a true betrayal, but it was the other one that hurt the worst.  I think the fiance leaving the STATE while I was at work and stealing some of my gear was less painful than the weeks between my parents telling me we were leaving Japan (my home for almost my entire childhood) and moving the States.  The States were a vague place you saw on the news where people were raped and killed; not a home.
  • I overcompensated a lot in school and made an arse out of myself more than I like.  It started with the Columbine shootings; I was pulled out of class to go to counseling because I wore too much make-up and a lot of black so OBVIOUSLY I would copycat.  I told them I would never be so unoriginal and decided to just get weirder from there.  I was so offended I wound up alienating myself from a lot of people who may have made things better for me if I had let them.
  • People joke about my “New York-ness” around here because I don’t look at anyone unless I need to, I don’t talk to anyone I don’t know, I get surprised when strangers say “hi”, and I seem to never have lasting bonds with anyone.  It is not the New York, it is fear.  I work on it every day.  Some are better than others.
  • I courted and slept with the one guy who was cute and goofy and sort of a goody goody on a dare with myself.  I dared myself to date some one different than I saw myself.  Dear readers, I married him.  He has been in the pits with me and has watched me rise little by little.  He is one of my dearest friends and I am amazed he is still with me each and every single day.

NOW that sharing time is complete, on to the people you must read that I bestow this award to!

::polite applause::

  1. Green Fox Press although now he is all fancy and uses his name and everything.  If you are interested in writers/writing/watching this man grow his novel–I highly recommend.  He gets top billing for being amazeballs and for being my little brother.
  2. The Clockwork Lemon!  The woman, Stephanie, who runs this continually makes gorgeous things for you to eat.  I ALWAYS stop by for inspiration.
  3. Antonia over at Whoopee is lovely and funny and gorgeous.  Read her bits and wish she was your friend.  I know I do.
  4. Schmutzie is a big time blogger and probably would not notice this little link in the slightest; but she is one hell of an inspiration.   She blogs as nakedly as possible and has left me feeling like I can work through anything more times than I can count.  She is damn lovely.
  5. Jenny over at TheBloggess is also a big time gal.  She makes me feel part of a very quirky and strange club of people.  The “I am not alone in this hole” feeling I get from reading her is worth A QUADRILLION DOLLARS to me.  Possibly more.
  6. Pretty pictures reside over at the Cream Soda Love Letters.  A little colour once in a while never hurt a batty gal!
  7. Natalie over at Bake and Destroy gets my vote for all she has done food wise.  She makes baking bad ass.
  8. Tess Munster is a hell of woman.  She is a plus size model and is always throwing out some inspiration.  Sure I am Bat Fitting myself, but we all need some good vibes in our lives.
  9. ALL THE BATTY people already linked!  There are so many of you!!!  I love to read a lot of you already and I have just discovered some of you for the first time!
  10. Violence Unsilenced.  This page means more to survivors than you know.  It rips away the alone.  It shares pain and, in sharing, makes it just a little less.
  11. Dream Dust by Sarah.  Such a lovely spread of items; this blog is such a lovely thing!
  12. Emma and her Headache.  Funny SHIT.  NSFW as hell and worth it.
  13. Aaaannd…I have run dry.  I read Dooce and Nothing But Bonfires and Mimismartypants and Eden over at Edenland but they are Huge Time Women.  They KNOW they have lovely blogs.

I think I shall leave it at that!  This post has taken me a week to write, but has cheered me greatly!  Lots of love to Sal!!

>^-^<     ~M~

5 thoughts on “Bright Bits in the Dark (WARNING, very long!)

  1. I know about the hole. It always amazes me how many of us are down there in their own holes wondering if life really is meant to be like THAT.
    I also know about the family-thing. Everytime I go visit my family, my stomach starts hurting real bad and I get a migraine attack because I know I won’t be the perfect daughter they expect to arrive on their doorstep.
    I rarely meet my family’s expectations. I certainly never meet my own.

    Ha! Be frank and unashamed! I like that! (It’s really kind of European, I think.^^)

    You’ve put cool links in your list, too.

    • I had such a hard time picking links. I read so many, but some are dead and some are huge.

      I have to laugh at the “European” comment. I answer “I was raised more European than American” to lots of questions about my family and our behaviour. We lived so long in Italy, Germany, and Japan that our family is just this side of American “normal”.

      >^-^<

      • Wow! In which cities did you live in these countries?
        Yeah, the European way is somewhat different. Although I didn’t find it too hard to adapt to the American way of life during my one-year-stay in the U.S.
        But I always had to restrain myself not to curse too much.
        As a friend from Britain put it: “Germans always say “Scheisse!”
        And that’s true! 😉

      • We lived at Aviano in Italy, outside Augsburg in Germany, and in Misawa in Japan. In Japan we had one channel that came from Australia, so I developed the habit of using a lot of British and Australian slang! It is hard for me to adapt to the Midwest; it is just so unaccepted if your are “different” in any way!

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